Of mom guilt

I am suffering a lot with mom guilt today. Baby Boo is struggling a lot to settle into the childcare. She naps well but screams murder when she wakes up and the crying takes a long time to stop. She hardly eats anything there. No independent play and wants to be held all the time. I go an hour past lunch time to feed her but her educators are concerned she isn’t taking solids at all.

There is an app which parents use to see the daily activities of their children in the childcare. The pictures I saw today broke my heart 😭 They were celebrating her birthday and she was all red from crying and looking utterly sad. I know it takes time for kids to settle in, Moo took over three months, that too when she was attending daily. Boo goes two times a week and it has been nine times she has attended in total since March and no improvement so far.

Motherhood is such a demanding journey. So much of patience is needed 😩

Flashback

This day last year I had no idea that it was the last day I would be carrying baby Boo inside me. My due date was April 8 and each day after 8th seemed never ending. Baby showed no signs of coming, I had no kind of pain or symptom and I became the mum who was overdue and hence the mum who gets exclaims like ‘oh you are still pregnant hey’. While at the back of my mind I knew I can’t trigger labour by doing anything I still googled ‘Natural ways to start labour’ and read endlessly.

I had informed the hospital that I wished to try VBAC, which meant no choice of induction at 39 weeks according to their policy. I also refused any kind of physical examinations till I get spontaneous labour pain. My birth plan was so very different than my first pregnancy, in which I lacked knowledge of all things in labor and delivery greatly. Since covid cases where on the rise in March, the hospital visits also became infrequent which in turn proved as a boon, with less probing by midwives and more relaxing at home by self.

The only thing lacking was my restriction to use open spaces for walking. Public parks were closed for recreation as part of the lockdown and mall visits were limited to one person per family to buy groceries. Which meant my walks would be limited to the streets nearby and not the walking routes in parks and no taking stairs in the malls. My midwife had suggested me to use the stairs as much as possible and do kerb side walking but I could do neither.

This evening last year Zack and I had walked the perimeter of our apartment block thrice and I was completely out of breath, as usual. He suggested if I want to rest but I was ambitious and said I could finish one more walk. I waddled a step here and a step there and turned and walked straight into the apartment for the lift 😂. When we reached upstairs Zack says something he had never said before and I pay no heed because I am so tired that I snooze off on the sofa.

Your tummy has dropped’.

A new milestone

Baby Boo starts daycare tomorrow and I have been praying for the well-being of the carers instead of her 🤣. She has been an absolute typhoon wrecking havoc after two days of being the angelic cherub. She has dropped her afternoon nap, doesn’t eat anything because of teething and is a busy bee on two legs.

Yesterday we went for the orientation session at the daycare. Her room is bright and colourful and filled with many toys. Hoping she gets comfortable tomorrow to explore everything. We have got the spot for only one day a week and I have been on the waiting list since October. I was unsure of starting her daycare journey before she turned one ( she is 11mo now ) but Zack thinks it would be good for her to get used to the carers and the room.She does have a good memory but will she remember stuff when she sees it 6 days apart, time will tell 🤷‍♀️ What convinced me to go ahead and enrol her was the daycare is breastfeeding friendly – I can walk in anytime to feed baby. I haven’t given her a bottle yet and I do not want to start her getting used to one. When Moo was around 15 months I started working full time and she dropped her day feeds. That’s giving me the confidence it could happen again with Boo. Well even if it doesn’t, it will be manageable, I’ll have to schedule my trips to the daycare with my work breaks. It helps that the trip is only 5 minutes long.

I will have close to four kid free hours tomorrow but instead of doing something worthwhile or better not doing anything at all, I will be anxious and jittery. The initial days are just so hard 😅

Please wish us luck 🤗