I meant to continue with the birth story series but squeezed in the mom guilt post because I had to somehow get it off my chest. Writing is cathartic to me and I find it as a release to empty my brain. I have a plan of action now to deal with the daycare settlement issues. Back to where I left the day before.
So yes, for two to three months I was questioning myself all the time why couldn’t I have had a natural vaginal birth, even the second time. Pepper raised this question as to why did I want vbac in the first place. My first pregnancy was with zero complications with what my doc called a textbook pregnancy. I moved to my parents home in a different city in my last trimester and started consulting with another doctor. The day I went overdue, she scared us telling we have to get the baby out as soon as possible without explaining why’s and how’s. No induction, no waiting. Moo wasn’t even breech. The only plausible reason she gave was my water level was slightly low.
When I went to the gynaecologist for Boo, I was asked to submit my previous medical reports related to first pregnancy. My ob-gyn read the report and asked me why I chose elective c-sec for first pregnancy. I didn’t I said. It was an emergency c-sec I replied. She sat me down and explained the difference and let me know that I had no reason not to have tried for atleast an induction. My recovery with first c-sec was very painful and hard. It took me weeks to be able to get up from the bed on my own. Add to that latching issues with Moo meant I had to sit and express which put more pressure on my stitches. And to know that I had a chance to avoid all that if only I had had the knowledge triggered me to deep dive and learn from my midwife all that is there to know about labour and delivery. Every scheduled checkup I would keep asking her questions and she would patiently clarify my doubts – that gave me confidence I could give VBAC a try.
I must be the only mum who has heard nothing but positive vaginal birth stories from friends and family. The fact that you are on your feet within a day sounded wonderful when you have an elder child to take care off as well. Covid had reared his head by February and I wasn’t even sure my parents will be able to make it to Sydney from India. The thought that I might have to leave Moo with friends while Zack and I will be in the hospital used to give me jitters. C-sec meant atleast three nights and it seemed too long to go without meeting my Moo. Lockdowns and restrictions added to my already anxious mind – it wasn’t a good time to be an expectant mum. With so many ifs and buts avoiding a c-sec sounded the best. Now, when I look back, it was a very stressful March/ April 2020.
Things fell into place in such a way that we could go ahead with the decision of going for a c-sec. Moo would be with her grandparents, in home quarantine. Because I was in hospital and Zack went home time and again, we were advised the family shouldn’t venture out to minimise chances of infection.
One fine night while I was wallowing in self pity on the missed chance of a vaginal delivery, particularly after watching the series of videos on successful vbac by an Instagram influencer, a thought came to me. The best thoughts only come at 3am, right? Why am I giving so much importance on from where the baby is born more than the fact that a baby IS born from me? I mean such an incredible task my body has completed, of nurturing and carrying a lively healthy baby to term, and all my mind cares about is where the baby came out from 🙈🥲
That realisation that night ( or day ) was so powerful that it had a profound impact on how I looked at pregnancy and delivery henceforth. It would go down as one of the radical changes in my mindset as an adult. Would you believe I no longer ask a new mum if she had a natural or c sec birth? And I am aghast I asked it first whenever I heard of a new baby being born.
But we all learn slowly, don’t we 🙂